Magical Me
by Onyx Sprita
Summary: The official autobiography of me, Gilderoy Lockhart. Containing randomness, dancing, talking inanimate objects, and really horrible perfume, it is an immensely moving voyage of self discovery, and if you love me as much as I do, you will read it. Parody
1. Gilderoy Flakes

CHAPTER ONE: GILDEROY FLAKES!

**Disclaimer: I do not own the Harry Potter universe which is a shame. So anything you recognize is obviously JKR's (it's called FANfiction for a reason, ppl). But Bill, Jimmy, Roydegild and Leontyne are all my creations. (Yeah... I'm so proud). Anyway. ENJOY! And remember - this story was not written to be taken seriously... **

I am going to start my autobiography, 'Magical Me' - which you happen to be reading right now! Good taste! *twinkly smile* - with a wee tad of free advertising.

ADVERTISEMENT

*jingly music*

Gilderoy Flakes, Gilderoy Flakes

They're nicer and healthier than most cupcakes

With so very few calories

If you stick with them you'll soon look like me!

They won't rot your teeth

So your smile will stay complete

Without needing to cheat

Using that teeth whitening sh*t.

All you need is milk

And whatever rhymes with milk

[Note from Gilderoy: spoons help too]

They're really really nice

They do not contain spice

And they're never second place

BECAUSE THEY'RE IN THE SHAPE OF MY FACE!

END OF ADVERTISEMENT

OK, I think that's enough for one chapter. I would like to thank myself for composing the jingle, and if anyone wants the sheet music, you can order it online for free (but there is a delivery charge of seventy-five galleons). Mwah!

*goes off to watch Glee*

*comes back*

Oops. Just got a call from my editor. She says this chapter isn't long enough, and I must extend it. (Who does she think she is, telling me what to do?) Anyway, not to worry! I could ramble on about myself for hours. No problem. So basically... yeah. What's this book supposed to be about again? Oh, right! My life!

Well, you see... I don't know if you remember, but there was a little scandal involving me a while ago. Me and my twin brother. (And if you haven't heard of it - then NO, it is NOT what you're thinking). Basically, there is a rumour going around that my twin and myself brutally murdered a load of Snape/Lily shippers.

THIS IS NOT TRUE.

I'm not writing this book about my sparkling childhood, or my golden adolescence, or anything. (I'm writing those later and they will be called 'Gilderoy Lockhart: The Phantom Menace' and 'Gilderoy Lockhart: The Clone Wars.'). Right now, my main priority is to SET THE RECORD STRAIGHT - about the whole Snilly massacre thing. That's what this book is about. Guys, there was no Snilly massacre. And here is the proof.

The event I am about to describe began on a Monday morning. Or was it Thursday? OK, let's just call it Monday.

I was eating my breakfast. Gilderoy Flakes, natch. The doorbell rang. My butler Phil - Will? Bill? Let's just call him Phil - answered it.

'Mr. Lockhart, you have a visitor!' he called.

'Send him in,' I declared.

'Yes, sir,' Phil/Will/Bill called back.

And this dude walks into my kitchen.

Not just any dude. This dude looked JUST LIKE ME. We were IDENTICAL.

Like John and Edward. Fred and George. Mary-Kate and Ashley!

I didn't think it was possible for anyone to imitate my gorgeousness. I was instantly jealous.

'Who the fudge are you?'

'Gilderoy!' the man cried out, obvs not noticing the bad vibes emanating from me the way bad smells emanate from Snape. 'Long time, no see!'

'Um, how long? Because I don't remember seeing you ever.'

'Well, we've met,' the guy assured me. 'But we were babies at the time. Gilderoy, I am your long-lost twin brother, Roydegild!'

That last piece of information shocked me to my very core. I'd expected him to be called Pip.

'I need a place to stay, Gilderoy,' the man went on, making a sad face. 'I thought, since you're family, you might be able to help me.'

Hel-lo, major crisis.

**A/N: I forgot to mention... veryveryveryVERY OOC Gilderoy. XD**

**Review? *puppy eyes***


	2. A Saintly Act

CHAPTER TWO: A SAINTLY ACT

Of course, I am such an unbelievably kindhearted person that at one point I was nominated for saint. But sadly I didn't make it through and there is no St. Gilderoy in the world. But I ALMOST got there - that's how nice I am.

Even so - letting a total stranger stay in my house seemed a bit dodgy.

'Are you sure you're my twin brother?' I asked him. 'I would've thought I'd know if I had one...'

'We were seperated at birth, Gil,' Roydegild assured me. 'There was a mix-up at the hospital. This woman thought I was hers and brought me home with her. But now we can make up for all the lost time! Whatcha say, bro?'

Bro? OK, steady on there, Roydegild.

But as I hesitated, Roydegild made another sad face, and I gave in. After all, there could be little doubt that we were twins, and anyway I'm all for helping out randomers in need of a kindness. I let Roydegild stay.

Anyway, a friend of mine wants to say a few words, so here's his bit! I'm not even going to bother reading it, because I already know it will be glowing with compliments.

*******************************************MESSAGE FROM SOMEBODY ELSE**********************************************

Dear reader, I am somebody who is very close to Gilderoy, and knows him extremely well.

GILDEROY IS LYING.

I have taken a huge risk but when I read the sh*t that Gilderoy was planning to publish in his latest book, I knew millions of wizards and witches (mainly witches) were going to believe it. I couldn't let that happen. So I sweet-talked Gilderoy into letting me write something. I can't type, but I dictated it to my neighbour (whose name cannot be disclosed for obvious reasons - but it's Elisa Tate) and she did it for me.

The truth is - Gilderoy did not allow his brother to stay simply out of the goodness of his heart. He realised that if he refused to let Roydegild stay, the public would find out, and Gilderoy would lose all of his fans. Which was unthinkable. And so, he had no choice but to hand over his spare room to his 'long-lost brother'.

You probably guessed that already, unless you're one of his adoring fans who won't hear a word against him. But to those adoring fans, I beg you - PLEASE take everything Gilderoy says with a pinch of salt.

I say I know Gilderoy very well. Who am I? you might ask. I will tell you.

The thing is, Gilderoy isn't great at magic. He tried to cast a spell to bring his Bratz doll to life so he could finally have a friend, but misfired, and hit me instead. I am a pot of marmalade.

Here are some other things you might like to know about Gilderoy Lockhart - he sleeps with a Paddington Bear hot-water bottle, he likes to blow bubbles in his milk with a straw, and he can't count higher than 20.

Yours sincerely, Gilderoy's marmalade.

Roydegild was terribly grateful once I told him he would be allowed to stay. I showed him the spare room and he unpacked. Whilst he did so (I do like the word 'whilst'), I went into the kitchen, took a deep breath, and started to cry.

Then I ate some marmalade.

**A/N: I know it's short. Next chapter will be longer. Sorry I put the first chapter up twice - I can be so stupid. Aaanyway... I know you're out there, so if you're reading this, please review and tell me what you thought.**

**You'll get a cookie if you do :)**


	3. Laptops, Turnips & Fedora Wearing Crabs

**CHAPTER TWO: LAPTOPS, TURNIPS AND FEDORA-WEARING CRABS**

**A/N: Thank you to the people who reviewed the last 2 chapters! Much appreciated. :)**

_Extract from Gilderoy's Diary, 19th November_

_OH MY (INSERT NAME OF DEITY, VEGETABLE OR MINERAL HERE) THIS INSANITY SIMPLY CANNOT BE ALLOWED TO GO ON! MY LIFE IS BEING RUINED BY EVIL TWINS, GENERAL INJUSTICE, A RANDOM POT OF MARMALADE AND MY GIRLFRIEND, LEONTYNE (SHE'S TOTALLY AWESOME, BUT SHE WEARS TOO MUCH PERFUME)._

_DO YOU SEE WHAT I HAVE TO DEAL WITH ALL THE TIME?_

_I AM ON THE VERGE OF A NERVOUS BREAKDOWN!_

I mean, I was OK the night before that. I was sitting with a bowl of spicy crisps on my lap, watching Desperate Housewives which I usually do with my girlfriend but her perfume kept getting up my nose so last week I had to break it to her (sorry, darling, it's me or the perfume) so that left me all alone. I missed Leontyne a small bit, but I sure didn't miss her ghastly cloud of pungent fumes constantly invading my nostrils.

And I was getting on just fine without her. In fact, I was already composing a mental list of girls I could go out with instead (Minerva McGonagall, Dolores Umbridge - how cute is she? - and my hairdresser, because I quite liked the idea of getting free blowdrys every day).

But then, my ex-girlfriend Leontyne walked in. I smiled, paused Desperate Housewives on my HD Sky+ TV, and was about to ask her if she'd changed her mind about the perfume, when it hit me that she was still wearing it. I frowned, confused, and then I realised who she was with.

ROYDEGILD, MY SO NOT TWIN BROTHER!

'Roydegild?' I said icily. They both turned around, like they were surprised to see me there.

'Gilderoy?' said Leontyne, frowning. 'What are you doing here?'

'WHAT AM I DOING HERE? THIS IS MY FRICKIN' HOUSE! WHAT DO YOU THINK I'M DOING HERE?'

'Oh yeah,' said Leontyne, looking around. 'This is your house.'

'What,' I said to Roydegild through gritted teeth, 'are you doing with my girlfriend?'

'She's my girlfriend now,' says Roydegild pleasantly. 'You broke up with her. She told me. You said, it's me or the perfume darling... and she chose the perfume.'

A giant purple cricket walked in, singing Poker Face out of tune and wearing a sombrero. 'Relationship troubles?' it asked, stopping by the fireplace.

'How'd you get in?' I snarled at it.

'The door was open. Anyway I'm Roydegild's bezzie mate and he said I could drop by anytime.'

'Hey, Bob,' said Roydegild to the cricket. They hugged each other.

Having Roydegild as a lodger was proving more problematic than I had thought.

'I'm really good with stuff like this,' the cricket insisted. 'I can help.'

'Not now, Bob, sorry,' said Roydegild apologetically. 'I'm afraid my brother doesn't like visitors much and meeting strangers upsets him. Come by tomorrow when he's out doing book signings, and we can have a massive party and trash the house. But make sure not to tell him.'

'But he's right here,' Bob pointed out.

That says a lot about Roydegild's intelligence, doesn't it? An insect is smarter than him.

'Oh yeah,' said Roydegild. He paused. 'Well, let's have a massive party anyway.'

'Oooh, can I come?' asked Leontyne excitedly.

'You don't even have to ask, babe,' grinned Roydegild. 'You're automatically invited to any party of mine... Except this one because it's just for guys.'

'Aww!' said Leontyne.

'So what guys are you going to invite to this party then?' I screeched, overwhelmed by the sea of insanity that has suddenly engulfed my once-perfect life. 'Maybe a neon-green, tap-dancing, fedora-wearing CRAB?'

'Oh, you're inviting Jimmy?' said the cricket delightedly.

'BWAAAAAAAAAAARRGHHHHHHHHHHH!' I wailed and ran for my room, hoping I could find some sense in the nothingness of sleep. Maybe in the morning when I woke up, my life would be back to normal...

'WHO LIVES IN A PINEAPPLE UNDER THE SEAAAAAAAAAAAA?'

'SPONGEBOB SQUAREPANTS!'

Apparently not.

I woke up in a panic at eight a.m. and rushed downstairs. Roydegild, Leontyne, Bob and an assortment of other crazy people were having an early morning singsong in my kitchen, passing around carrot cake and turnip cookies.

'Gild-e-rooooooooy! Good morning!' bellowed Roydegild, shoving a plate of turnip cookies under my nose.

'What are you all doing here?' I screamed. There must have been about forty mad-looking people in my kitchen, singing random songs and doing weird, violent-looking dances. It was absolute chaos. And _I _used to teach first-years at Hogwarts.

'We're having some FUN!' Roydegild roared. 'YOU SHOULD TRY IT SOMETIME!'

I spotted someone I recognized - Fate.

Fate has a laptop that she types out everyone's fortunes in. Anything she writes will come true. And ever since I was three, for some reason, Fate has had a major grudge against me.

'WHAT THE HELL, FATE?' I roared at her over the noise. 'ARE YOU TRYING TO RUIN MY LIFE?'

'Yeah,' she beamed, spraying me with turnip crumbs before dancing away as the crowd started up with appeared to be a rock version of Odo the Hero.

'OH ODO THE HERO THEY BORE HIM BACK HOME - AIR GUITAR EVERYBODY COME ON!'

I ran over to the table to grab her laptop and maybe make a few minor adjustments but she appeared beside it as quick as lightning and snatched it back.

'HOW'D YOU GET HERE THAT FAST?'

'TO THE PLACE THAT HE'D KNOWN AS A LAD - NANANANA NANANANA KERRRRRRRRANG...'

'I'm the Writer of Fortunes. I'm all powerful. Duh.'

For some reason I could hear without her having to shout. Maybe I didn't have to shout either, I thought. Blame the anger issues.

'AND THEY BURIED HIM THERE WITH HIS HAT INSIDE OUT...'

I tried to think of a sensible question, but there were no words.

'AND HIS WAND SNAPPED IN TWO, WHICH WAS SAD. YEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!'

'I have to get out of here!' I wailed. I stumbled blindly out of the kitchen, barging through the throngs of crazy dancers and out into the morning sunshine.

**A/N: Please review, guys :) Or I'll set Bob on you. **


	4. The Photo Album

I heard footsteps coming down the alley in which I was hiding - not in a cowardly way, just in a casual 'hmmm, I think I'd better hide, not that I'm scared or anything, but a giant purple cricket might come after me if I don't' kind of way. I didn't think I'd be able to escape without being noticed so I took a deep breath, drew my wand and stood up. It was Roydegild. He looked confused. That wasn't surprising, seeing as he's got the IQ level of aforementioned cricket.

'Gilderoy, what are you doing down here?' he asked. Before I could reply, he went on, 'What's wrong with you? I didn't think you'd mind me holding a little singsong in your kitchen, in fact I was hoping you'd join in.' And before I could answer THAT he said, 'Why are you so moody all the time?'

Moody? Me? Perish the thought. You'd have to have the patience of a saint to put up with a bizarre stranger like him sabotaging your life. And I didn't quite make the cut - for saint, I mean.

'I want to be _friends, _Gilderoy,' Roydegild went on.

Yuck.

'I know!' he said with a sudden smile. 'You can come to my party today!'

'That you're holding in MY HOUSE without MY PERMISSION?' I snarled. 'You've got some nerve...'

'I know. I know,' said Roydegild, not sounding very apologetic. 'But just relax, Gilderoy, okay? See the funny side. Plus, there'll be food and drink and I've got loads of lady friends who are big, big fans - '

'I'm in,' I said immediately.

He smiled and gave me a massive hug that almost knocked me over. 'I think this is going to be the start of a _beeeeeeeeautiful_ friendship,' he said before walking back down the alley.

Weirdo.

Then something hit me. Didn't he tell Leontyne earlier it was going to be an all-guy party?

What a liar. I really hate him, you know. I really, really do.

But I decided to go anyway.

After all, if you can't beat 'em, join 'em! And there were going to be girls there. What more incentive did I need?

Anyway, people started to arrive at about eight o'clock and it didn't take long before the house was packed and the party was in full swing. They played music I didn't like, served food and drink I didn't like, and I didn't like any of the people there, either. Then someone started a Slushie fight. My walls are now painted blue and red. There was a pogo-jumping tournament in my living room. Everyone had a blast. Except me.

Well, I did what I said I'd do. I went to the party. I didn't enjoy myself, and I didn't talk to anyone, and I certainly didn't participate in trashing the house - blimey that took a long time to clear up. And when it was over, I went straight to bed, hating Roydegild even more. His little bonding excercise was a failure.

In the morning, when all the cleaning was done, Roydegild asked if I enjoyed myself last night.

'N - O,' I said emphatically. He looked disappointed, and slightly worried. He knew that if I still hated him he wouldn't be staying for much longer.

'Well, we're brothers, Gil,' said Roydegild. 'We're identical twins. I thought we'd have lots in common, but apparently not. So tell me, what's _your _idea of a good time?'

Not pogo-jumping tournaments, that's for sure.

'Watching Desperate Housewives with a bowl of spicy crisps,' I said, 'flirting with my fans, signing autographs, practising my autograph, replying to my fan mail, writing books about my many achievements, and getting my picture taken for _Witch Weekly_.'

He didn't look impressed. 'I meant social things?'

Merlin's sake, we're housemates, not flipping boyfriend and girlfriend. We don't _have _to do social things. I'll let him stay in my house for as long as he needs to avoid media scandal, but that doesn't mean I'm going to get _along _with him.

To give him his due though, he showed me a nifty spell to fix the hole in the ceiling (someone fell through the attic last night on a space hopper).

When it was fixed, Roydegild beamed. 'I've just had an idea!'

Oh Merlin save me.

'What?' I said warily.

'To bring us closer as brothers,' Roydegild explained. 'I'm going to show you a photo album my foster mother gave me. It's got loads of photos of the two of us as babies. They were taken at the hospital when we were born.'

He ran upstairs to the spare room and came back clutching a thick leather-bound book. He put it down on the table and opened it. I couldn't speak.

So it was true after all. Two blue-eyed babies staring sleepily into the camera. It's clear that they were all taken the same day, and one has our mother in it.

She holds a twin in each arm, looking blissfully happy - after all, she'd just given birth to a mini legend. (And Roydegild. That must have put a damper on things. But still).

Our mother had died when were very young. I was raised by a foster mother, and they must have sent Roydegild to someone else.

They could have at least notified me of the fact that I had a twin. It would have saved me the unpleasant shock later on.

All the same though, it does make me feel a bit more willing to tolerate him now I know what we've gone through together - even if we were too young to remember it.

Maybe I've found a family at last.

**A/N: Aww, brotherly love (sort of).**

**Tune in next week for some REALLY NOISY YOGA! Yeah.**


	5. Spork Wars

**A/N: Thanks so much for the reviews guys, and I'm sorry for the wait between chapters. But here it is at last - chapter five! Enjoy! (No offence meant to Snape/Lily fans in this chapter, I'm one myself sometimes XD) **

I should have known it wouldn't be that easy.

The next day - THE VERY NEXT DAY - the house was full of crazy people AGAIN. I STILL had a persistent headache from the party the other night and I was trying to write my next book but I couldn't concentrate what with the cacophony from downstairs. (Yep, cacophony - four syllables!)

I headed down in a ferocious temper. When I reached the foot of the stairs I heard Roydegild bellow 'RIGHT YOU LOT! QUIET DOWN AND FIND YOUR INNER PEACE!'

Oh. Kay...

Instantly the noise stopped and the sound of calming, jingly, pipey music filled the air. Frowning, I turned into the sitting room and saw about fifteen people sitting on the floor in the lotus position. They were all wearing tie-dyed leotards. Fate sat down on the couch with her laptop, tapping away at my destiny. She gave me a cheery little wave. I so did not wave back.

Roydegild, also in the leotard, sat at the front facing the others. 'I will now lead you in the sun salutation,' he intoned and he started, well, doing _yoga. _

I can't think of any other way to describe it, really.

All the leotard-clad witches and wizards copied him, eyes closed, blissful smiles on their faces. Roydegild looked seriously weird in a leotard.

Leontyne was there too, but I couldn't smell her perfume - it was covered by the overpowering scent of fragrant candles.

OK, I didn't mind yoga. I often did it myself, and pilates too. And it was infinitely preferable to mad parties at four a.m. and singsongs first thing in the morning. But it was taking up the whole living room, and that was where the TV was. I wanted to watch _Oprah._

Thinking of _Oprah_ made me think of Dr. Phil, and thinking of Dr. Phil made me think about Phil, my butler. I hadn't seen him in ages. I hadn't even noticed he was gone, what with everything that been happening.

Then I looked back at the group and there was Phil. In a leotard. Doing yoga.

Bloody hell...

The yoga group finished their sun salutations and Roydegild said 'OK, everyone, excuse me for a minute. Do a bit of meditation while I'm gone, all right?' They all nodded enthusiastically and Roydegild went out into the hall, beckoning me to come with him.

'Roydegild,' I said weakly, 'you have got to start telling me when you're going to do these things.'

'Well, it's my house now, too, isn't it?' said Roydegild innocently. I glared. Trust him to misintrepret this as a _mi casa, tu casa _situation. (Yep, Italian! I _am_ smart!)

'For the _time being,' _I said emphatically, 'it is _half yours. _Meaning it's still _half mine_. I think we need to make an agreement. I'll agree to tell you if I'm planning to invite anyone to the house, if you agree to do the same for me. Got it?'

'Gotcha,' said Roydegild, doing finger guns (cringe). 'Sorry to cause you any bother, brother. I'll tell you in future. I'll tell you _well _in advance.'

I took a deep breath. 'Well, good. Then maybe we can live side by side without strangling each other.'

I never thought the day would come when I was forced to solve a problem by making a _compromise. _When I fought yetis, I used my wits. When I fought trolls, I used my wand. And when I fought ghouls, I used my _Ghostbusters _gun. When dealing with witches, I used my dazzling smile and they were putty in my hands in an instant. But that wasn't going to work on my brother, was it?

Compromises. Ugh.

'So come and join the yoga session, mate!' Roydegild enthused. 'You look like you need to relax.'

I went ahead and joined in, reluctantly. But it did actually help. It totally got rid of all the tension in my shoulders.

Isn't life strange?

So, as I said, things were actually going well for a change. The next problem was not, in fact, caused by Roydegild, but by a whole bunch of other people.

Namely - Snape/Lily shippers.

I blame television.

Anyway, this will make sense to you if you've read my other autobiography. (Naturally, I have two - you can't expect me to squeeze my entire life story into one book, can you?) My other autobiography, _Magical Mini Me,_ is a prequel to this one and has loads of stuff about my spiffing Hogwarts years. Jolly hockey sticks and all that.

It tells of the relationship between me and the mother of somebody very famous - except he wasn't famous at the time, he wasn't even born. Her name? Lily Evans.

In the unlikely event that you've never read my other autobiography, here is an extract from that particular chapter for your reading pleasure.

...

Actually, forget about that. There's a better way - you buy my other autobiography, I get money, everybody wins. So basically I'm not going to tell you what happens, except Lily totally fancied me but James Potter forced her to marry him instead.

ANYway, all these Snape/Lily shippers misintrepreted that and thought it was MY fault Lily never married Snape. The nerve!

I'm telling you, if she didn't marry me, I don't give a damn who she married instead.

But they swarmed my house and started throwing sporks at me. This wouldn't be the first time James Potter has caused this sort of trouble for me, you know. Only last time it was sponges.

So I hid in my walk-in wardrobe for a while as they ransacked my house. But while I was there, it occurred to me that I didn't know where Roydegild was.

Oh dear...

**A/N: LE GASP! Where is Roydegild? Could he be in DANGER? Will Gilderoy survive the wrath of the Snape/Lily fans? Will he be injured by a spork? Will anyone ever buy Gilderoy's other autobiography? FIND OUT IN THE NEXT SUSPENSEFUL CHAPTER! Can you even wait that long?**


	6. The Battle of Spinner's End

I sat in the wardrobe with my head in a spin. One one hand, he could be really annoying. On another hand, he was my brother, and he could be in danger.

What was I to do, dear reader?

Of course, if you know me and my heroic disposition, you will already know what I did. I risked life and limb for my brother. I crawled out of my wardrobe and legged it out of my room.

Angry fangirls were everywhere, wearing T-shirts saying ALWAYS with pictures of does on them. They were tearing the house apart, looking for me, armed with sporks. And in a bubble of calm in the middle of the floor was Fate with her laptop.

CURSE HER.

'There he is!' shouted a girl and pointed at me. I froze as they charged towards me, but half the group stayed where they were, looking confused.

'How can he be over there?' one of the other ones said. 'He's over here. We tied him up with Snily String and hung him from the rafters.'

The crowd parted and I saw my twin, exactly as the person had described. He gave me a wave, but he looked rather uncomfortable.

'Yes, that's right!' Roydegild shouted upside-downly (I don't think that's an adjective, but he was upside-down, so I'm using it). 'That's not Gilderoy! I'm Gilderoy! And he is my twin brother Roydegild who has nothing to do with this! It's me you want! Not him!'

'Righto,' said another girl, and they swarmed Roydegild again. They cut the string, grabbed him and Disapparated, leaving me alone in a house full of Snily String and sporks.

Roydegild had pretended to be me to save me from a mob of angry Snily shippers. Could anyone ask more of a brother?

I felt myself tearing up.

GUYS OKAY I HAD TO GET HIM BACK.

So I formulated a plan.

As far as I could see, I had two options. I could actually go and physically rescue Roydegild, but that would be difficult seeing as he was being held captive by about two hundred fangirls. And boys.

The other option was that I find Fate's laptop.

I liked that option. If I found that laptop, I could rewrite the whole sorry tale, starting with me hitting on Lily. I could erase all mentions of her from my life story, and all the Snily shippers, whatever delusion they'd been labouring under, would be mollified. (I am a fountain of big words today!) And they'd leave me alone, and we would all live happily ever after.

And the second benefit of the laptop plan was that I could use it to get revenge on Fate. To get her back for all the horrible things that happened to me. (Minus the million-Galleon book deals and the fame and fortune part, obviously).

BAM.

I liked that plan. I liked that plan very very much.

Stage one of Operation Rewrite History went swimmingly. I lured Fate into my house with turnip cookies and she arrived with her laptop as usual, since she never goes anywhere without it. Then I cast the Full Body-Bind on her and snatched the laptop.

I began to type.

I was tempted to write the same way I always do, sending myself up and adding 'twinkle' every two sentences. But I didn't think that would work, so I decided to just write the cold, hard truth. (Twinkle.)

I had two pages written when my bladder started to get full. So I hurried to the bathroom and relieved myself and when I got back, the laptop was out of charge.

OUT OF CHARGE.

If I hadn't needed the bloody loo, I could have finished the story and clicked Save and sealed my destiny. But no - my writing was interrupted by the call of nature. I blamed Fate for this, too. When she'd been writing my life story, I had rarely if ever needed to pee because that was not relevant to the plot. (And JK Rowling hadn't been too bothered with toilet breaks either). It was kind of a new experience for me. It took me about four minutes to work out how to flush it.

Four minutes of precious battery life.

All my hard work was just gone, just like that.

'CURSE YOUUUUUUUUUU!' I screamed at the laptop, then glared at Fate. I didn't suppose she was going to take me to the charger, not after I'd hexed her and sabotaged her life's work.

I took the hex off her and she ran to her laptop and hugged it to her chest. 'You poor baby! Did the mean blondie man hurt you?'

I am serious, she said that to her laptop.

'It's not _dead_,' I said defensively.

'Well, the battery is!' she retorted and after a final glance of loathing directed at me, she Disapparated, so there was my brilliant plan scuppered. The only thing left to do was to find the fangirls and my brother, and that meant WAR.

I had to think for a while. Where would Snape/Lily fans hide my brother? Of course... Spinner's End. Or maybe that cafe on Tottenham Court Road with the formica tables - no. Spinner's End for definite.

I straightened my robes - sage green today, because I am so sage like a sage plant - and Apparated to Spinner's End. The minute I got there I regretted it. I could hear a strange sort of war chant coming from inside Snape's house, which reminded me of just how extremist these guys were. There were also two massive dummies in the front garden, one of James and one of me, and they were burning. Slowly. In a big fire.

I could tell they would have no hesitation in doing the same thing to the real me, too.

Also, there was like two hundred of them and only one of me. Or was there?

'GILDEROY! GILDEROY! OH GILDEROY, LOOK AT ME, PLEASE!'

The screaming made me jump and I turned so fast I got a crick in my neck. There was a sea of middle-aged witches standing out in the street, crying with joy and waving copies of my books in the air.

Big, thick, heavy books.

A smile creeping across my face, I sauntered towards the women, some of whom started to hyperventilate.

'Ladies, what lengths would you be prepared to go to to support me?' I enquired.

'WE'D FLY TO MARS FOR YOU, GILDEROY!' roared a woman who I recognized as Gladys Gudgeon, and the rest joined in with cries of agreement.

'It is time for you to prove that dedication, ladies,' i announced. 'My brother is in there and he is being held hostage.'

Cue cries of shock, horror and anger.

'Can you help me get my brother back?'

'YESSSSS!' they all bellowed.

'Good, now CHARGE!' I shouted back and they all vaulted over the garden wall and barged through the door of Snape's house, waving their books in the air like weapons. I followed them into the house where they began to run at the startled shippers, cursing, hexing, jinxing and thwacking with books. They were soon joined by Roydegild's insane pogo-stick-wielding friends.

But Roydegild himself was nowhere in sight.

I grabbed one of the Snily shippers and demanded to know where they were keeping him, but she shook her head defiantly and tried to hex me, but Gladys hit her on the head with a copy of _Gilderoy Lockhart's Guide to Household Pests_ and she slumped to the ground, unconscious. I ran upstairs, away from the battle, trying to find my twin.

Up here it was deathly quiet. The noise of the fight didn't even carry, which felt creepy.

My footsteps echoed across the landing as I threw open doors, calling Roydegild's name. No answer. I started to panic.

Then I heard a scream from downstairs, a fangirly type shriek. Then another one, and another one, until it almost sounded like music.

And then there was silence.

I ran back down the stairs, taking the steps three at a time. All the shippers were lying unconscious on the ground, and there was a hooded figure standing at the door. I felt a cold, hard knot of fear in my heroic belly.

'Lord Voldemort?'

'Gilderoy Lockhart. We meet again.'

(I have met with the Dark Lord before, of course. It's just that Harry Potter gets all the credit.)

'Do you know where my brother is?' I demanded. 'Do you have something to do with this?'

'No, not at all,' Voldemort replied evenly. 'I just thought I'd pop by for a quick chat with Severus. Then I remembered that I'd killed him. So I was just leaving when all the fangirls saw me and fainted. If you want my advice, I'd say this. Grab your brother - who is tied up in the attic with Snily String - and get the hell out of here before they wake up.'

I didn't need telling twice. I hared up the stairs and into the attic, where Roydegild was, indeed, lying on the floor, tied up with Snily String. He beamed when he saw me.

'Gilderoy! I knew you'd save me!'

'What can I say?' I replied smoothly. 'I'm epic.'

I cut him free, pulled him upright and Disapparated with him. Mission accomplished.

'I think this calls for a party,' grinned Roydegild when we were safely back home. 'A really big destructive one. And you can have Leontyne back by the way. I never liked her much.'

Can you believe that? After all I'd done for him.

Brothers, eh?

THE END

* * *

><p><strong>AN: Well, how would you have ended it, huh? XD**

**Hehe, Snily string... see what I did there? See what I did there? Yeah... I'm so witty.**

**Thanks for reading! I hope you liked it and it didn't confuse you too much...**

**Gilderoy loves you!**


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